NOW THAT YOU AREN’T

By Laura Rabassa Breva

Dear daddy:

Everyone has a story to tell. Unfortunately, our story isn’t about the typical family, in which everything is perfect and they are all day happy and smiling. But don’t worry, I still love you. It isn’t your fault. In fact, thanks to you I’ve learned lots of things. But not those things everyone expects (maths, English, history…); although if you hadn’t helped me when I needed it, I wouldn’t get the marks I get now. I mean those things that are so important and nobody teaches us about them. You will feel proud when you realise I’m not so stressed with studies as I used to be last year. But I think the most helpful thing that you have taught me is to enjoy the moment, even if you weren’t aware of doing it. I’ve been a person who is always thinking about the future. However, since the 31^st of October – yes, the day they diagnosed your cancer – I’m trying to change that. And I know you have always done that. So now I want you to help me. I know you won’t be anymore by my side, so it’s more difficult. But I want to transmit this way of living to as many as I can. Because I don’t want only to survive, I want to live. Although knowing that we all are scared. Although not knowing what will happen tomorrow. Although missing you.

One weekend our bad dream started. I remember you started feeling bad, but the doctors didn’t know what was happening. I was angry with them because you were suffering and they didn’t know what you had. I remember those weeks of waiting. It was frustrating to see that you couldn’t sleep, to get up and watch you sleeping in the armchair because in bed you were uncomfortable. But you continued smiling. Just to make us feel good and calm.

But bad news came. They discovered you had cancer. They couldn’t operate on you. You could only have chemotherapy. At first I didn’t know what to do. Why us? My life didn’t make any sense. But one day I saw it in your eyes. I couldn’t do that to you. I must fight for you. For me. And I decided to live every day, at every moment.

I won’t forget all your stays in the hospital. When you felt bad, mum immediately took you there. She loves you, you know. She was always worried for you, she was scared. Like me. Like everyone. Even so, she is the stronger person that I have ever met, and she stayed brave at every moment. I didn’t want you to go to the hospital, since it meant some days (or even weeks) there, and I couldn’t see you so often. Maybe you think it was selfish, but I wanted to be with you as much as I could.

But we both know all these things. What you don’t know is that one day, when you were hospitalized, Lledó asked me if you could die. And I told her that it was impossible, that you would never leave us. But, even though you were strong until the last minute, cancer overcame you. Yes, I got it wrong. Well, not completely. It’s true that I won’t see you as I can see everyone, but you continue within me. I know you will hear me when I need it. You will feel proud of my marks and you will clap your hands when I finish the dance in the national championship of synchronised swimming. You will smile when I make some look of disgust. You will also tell me off when I argue with Lledó or when I don’t finish my food. You will sing with me, you will give me a good night kiss every night. You will help me when I don’t understand some lesson of history, you will try to explain to me that maths is a language, you will encourage me to visit the entire world, to learn about other cultures. You will laugh when I take photos at every moment, you will enjoy our next journeys together. You will sleep at the swimming pool while Lledó and I go into the water, and we do a show for mum. You will go to the beach with me, because if not, I’m scared. You will sail with our yellow sailing boat. You will give love to everyone, you will tell to mum that you love her every day. You will have some beers with your friends and you will be happy, as always.

So that means that you will carry on with me. Because, whatever happens, I know you will keep by my side. I know we must be brave. As I have told you, I’m going to capture every moment lived. Don’t worry; I will take care of mum and Lledó, although they don’t need it, since they are really courageous women.

I’m sorry if some nights I cry in my bed, if you see me more distracted than usually. Please, don’t forget that this year is going to be very difficult for us, so you should have patience. But we also know that our life continues, little by little, and you will be sad if we don’t resume our lives. I know we will never give in, because that’s for losers, and we are the winners of this difficult game.

Be sure that we will be happy and we won’t forget you, but, above all, never forget that we love you.