Canalla Bistro

Canalla Bistro is without doubt an interesting restaurant. Any restaurant whose name appears to be an insult is sure to attract my interest.

At first I was confused; it claims to be part of the culinary regime of top Valencian chef Ricard Camarena, and yet it also claims to be managed by women.

Well, there were women there, and men, although the chefs down at the far end of the restaurant in their little shed appeared to be men.

The maître, who was indeed a woman, got the ball rolling and was very attentive, checking if we had allergies or didn’t like something that might find its way onto our plate, and as the clientele is very international, it was noticeable that all the waiters seemed to speak English.

The decor was unusually dark, the blackness punctuated by bright lights, making photography difficult for someone as unaccomplished as me.

After a while; and after a couple of glasses of the excellent house wine, a Bobal called Pasión in fact, I realised what it was about the restaurant that caught my eye.

It’s is long and narrow from the entrance but broadens out at both sides at the end, where there are a couple of larger tables.

It’s a penis!

Apart from that, the main decoration is some large pig heads on the walls, one of which had scales and so might have been a dragon.

When we entered the music playing was Ballroom Blitz, an old Glam Rock hit by Sweet from the 70s, although throughout our stay it was eclectic.

Having got that off my chest, I have to admit I wouldn’t normally eat in a place whose owner has 2 Michelin stars, although Ricard  has several restaurants and can’t be expected to be seen in all of them. It’s not the stars I object to, just the knowledge that it’s bound to cost more than I am prepared to pay in my mean old age.

We were there because the restaurant offers vouchers to be given as presents, and we were given one by our niece Mado, who is a lawyer and therefore used to a life of leisure and plenty.

This menu, the most expensive they offer I would add, consisted of 7 courses plus a sweet, coffee and drink.

The dishes naturally change according to the season and market, but to give you an idea, the first was a cornet stuffed with salmon, caviar, wasabi and a few other things.

Next came a salad with grated courgette, green mango, parmesan, sesame and alfalfa.

Third; and I was counting just so that nobody pulled a fast one, was Dim Sun, with a red pepper sauce and sharp tangy taste.

Fourth was grilled baby artichokes with a romesco sauce.

Very intelligently, the dishes began to get more filling as we went along, and there was no bread at the beginning to fill the baying stomach and spoil the appetite. The waiters even asked if the dishes were coming too quickly; something I had never previously experienced.

And so next came steamed aubergines with coriander and Hollandaise sauce.

Following that, and definitely more filling, but in the pleasant, unbloating way, tempura vegetables.

Last came a pork dish served in mini burgers, by which time I was too taste addled to write down how it was prepared, although the word ‘exquisite’ stayed in my mind for hours afterwards, and I didn’t brush my teeth for a week, much to my wife’s chagrin.

There were two sweets; one had ginger ice cream on top of chocolate cake and the other a pumpkin sponge cake with fruits.

There’s a nice detail in the toilets; always a source of interesting anecdotes in my experience. It could just be me, but I think the signs on the doors indicate somebody who is arriving almost too late, leg cocked in horror, to find appropriate relief.

Canalla Bistro is in Carrer del Mestre Josep Serrano, 5, perching dangerously on the Edge of the Ruzafa district.